I simply adore syncretism. Through it, Christianity has reached its highest heights and absconded from its lowest lows. If not for the Roman Empire and Hellenistic thought, Christianity would have remained mired in a Palestinian mud-hole, little more than a hippie commune floating in a sea of far more glamorous religions. The efforts of Constantine and Plato resulted in a religion far more digestible to the masses. If not for the Republican party (pardon me for skipping a couple millennia, but a thousand years to me is the same as cigarette break to you), evangelical Christianity would never have become synonymous with free market capitalism and war. Without the Democratic party, mainline churches might actually have some panache and style (not to mention members!). I approach ecstasy whenever one of you cute little Christian cuddle-muffins makes a delicious culture and faith smoothie for the rest of the world to suck down.
You, my precious Burnside pumpkins have not disappointed in your efforts to blend faith with sweeter ingredients. Christianity on its own is trite and pedestrian. You manage to make it fabulous. What’s more you, lace it with wit, irony, and a smidgen of condescension. Honestly, dears, I can’t imagine how anyone could practice religion without the smirking aloofness you all exhibit with such ease.
But enough of my self-congratulations. Though it is indeed well-deserved, we must proceed with the Big B and Little B awards! Both reward excellent examples of syncretism.
The Little B goes to Chad Gibbs. My darling Chad, the BWC blog desperately needs to look like . . .well, almost anything else. I suggest you expand your current pursuits and transform this forum into “LOLbwc.” In time, no one will have the slightest idea what you’re talking about or why it’s funny. This, my dear, is the very apex of glamour and prestige. Oh, and the fact that you managed to mock pastors in the process makes you the apple of my gleaming yellow eye. I must ask you, however, to leave my precious Joel Osteen in peace. His work is above reproach. We have statues of him down here. You little Burnside ragamuffins could learn a thing or two about style and influence from my sweet little Joel. Follow his example, and you shall excel at taking secular ideas and making them Christian.
Speaking of cheap imitation, we move on to Christian Rock. This week’s Big B award goes to Dan Gibson. My darling Dan, I always fancied Christian Rock a tremendous success in its own right. When The One We Do Not Name invented rock and roll, he imagined it as some abominable form of artistic and social expression for the unwashed proletariat youth of the world. Christian rock nullifies all his effort by removing both the artistry and social relevance. The more people listen to Christian rock, the happier I am (excepting that annoying muppet Steve Taylor, a perpetual barnacle on my giant red ass).
My dear Daniel, you discovered a use for Christian Rock that I never imagined: distraction via gossip and intrigue. Venomous exchanges about (or, better yet, with) the guitarist of a defunct Christian rock band is an excellent use of time. I thought Christians might be more immune than most to the titillation of the tabloids. It never occurred to me that they would be enthralled by gossip about “Christian entertainers.” Excellent work, darling! Perhaps you should start a TMZ for Christian celebrities. I could send you some paps if you like. They all work for me, don’t you know.
Much better job this time, my dears. There is still work to be done, but Rome wasn't built in a day. We must be patient. Prince Beelzebub's not done with you yet! I shall return to you in the new year, fresh from a spa holiday in Carmel and ready to make Christianity fabulous again.
Until then, my darling beauties, I remain . . .
Your friend until The End,
P.S. My dearest Aaron, I am twelve feet tall and I weigh almost 800 pounds (I assure you that every bit is muscle, regardless of what you might have heard from Satan). Given these measurements, are you quite sure that you desire a booty call from yours truly? If so, my phone number is 666-666-0666, ext. 2.