Be Still My Beating Heart

One of the most difficult aspects of growing up Christian is the ever present threat of Jesus' return and what you might miss out on in this world.

Inevitably, I would find myself anticipating something off in the future. But what if Jesus comes back first? When I was 16, it was sex. When I was 8, it was acquiring Shawon Dunston's rookie card. Just the other day, I found myself silently praying "Just wait a couple more minutes..." as I reached for a slice of pizza. I was hungry.

For all I know, that's why Jesus hasn't come back...he's waiting for everyone to stop asking to hold on a little longer.

For me, the strongest example of delaying the Second Coming happened when I was twelve years old, and I learned my favorite books of all time, The Redwall Series, were being made into a film. My brother and cousins were praying along with me. This was before we learned movie adaptations are routinely awful, before we'd been jaded by puberty.

First, we heard the movie was two years away, which is a fairly unbearable wait when you're that young. And by the time those two years had passed by, I was a freshman in high school, and I didn't care about Redwall anymore. I was into Tom Clancy, who already had a series of crap movies made from his books.

It's a good thing I didn't wait. The "movie" turned out to be a television series. It wasn't released until 1999, at which point I was enlisting in the US Army. Oh, and it sucked.

Keep in mind, this was 1999, four years after Pixar released Toy Story. But technology isn't any excuse...I've seen Tom and Jerry cartoons more well drawn.

The other day, I thought, "Well, why not put together a screenplay and send it to Pixar?" What could it hurt? The stories are wonderful, and they'd be well-suited to a vivid, computer-animated world.

I hopped online and discovered it's already being done.

Redwall: The Movie is due in July 2011, approximately two and a half years away.

I'd pray for another delay, but I'm too cynical these days.


  1. ha.
    my older sister and i shared a room until we moved out, and so many nights we spent our time talking in the dark, making lists of things we needed to do before jesus returned. "getting married", was always at the top of the list, which, really, was just christian girl code for sex.

  2. Jordan - this was quite funny. Good work.

    Angela - that's still on my list and I'm 35. :)

  3. Love Redwall. This is exciting. Did you see Despereaux? I hope that this is better.