The Anti-Ombudsman: The Little B and Big B Awards

Hello darlings!

What a delight to see you return to a form befitting a grand bastion of hipster religion. Many of your recent pieces filled me with such tingling glee that I thought I’d died and gone to Hell. (Then I realized that I’m already here! Isn’t it marvelous being me?) Though I’m disappointed that you continue to litter the blog with such blather as Kim Gottschild’s droning piece about food pantries (I’ll re-read it the next time my Ambien isn’t working), there has been much to celebrate of late. You’ve adorned the blog with excellent pieces about political scandal, pop culture, self-promotion, and more of those adorable LOLpastors cartoons. Oh, and persist in protesting the taxation of boutique beers, s'il vous plait. I’m overjoyed that everyone is on the same page as moi regarding the taxation of luxury items.

Now, on with the show.

The Little B award goes to Jordan Green for his excellent piece on Super Bowl commercials. I have fantasies of a world where the line between advertising and creative content becomes indistinguishable. We are nearly there, my precious pumpkins, and I’m delighted to see Mr. Green doing his part. Ignore the cumbersome comments of that bumptious cretin Donald Miller. He traffics in the schadenfreude of the fabulous and thrives on the adulation of obsequious moppets in thrift store couture. Who cares what he thinks?

I had not a moment’s hesitation regarding the recipient of the Big B award. Larry Shallenberger, my dear, mocking Satan alone would endear you to me for millennia. However, you were also astute enough to encourage your readers to ignore Him. I am overcome with gratitude. Our work is far more effective when humans believe us to be irrelevant. I much prefer the role of behind-the-scenes power broker. More of a Weinstein than a Pitt or a Hanks, if you will. And the fact that you said all this whilst invoking a fashion metaphor causes me to absolutely swoon. Keep an eye on your book’s Amazon rank, dear. I know how to return a favor.

Until next time, my darling beauties, I remain . . .

Your friend until The End,
Prince B

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