Look: I don't mind it down here. There are worse places to live than Phoenix, Arizona. Dallas, for instance. We've got some friends in Arizona, and some restaurants we like. There's an artisan pizza joint on every corner. And it's always sunny! Hooray!
But then I'll watch the local news, and all the idiocy of this place will come rushing back. Maybe local news is this way everywhere, but it's just...astonishing. They'll interview people on the street about any number of things, and I find myself wondering, "Where did this moron crawl out of?" Here is a collection of three stories on last night's news:
Man tries to vacuum behive, gets attacked
This happened a few blocks from where I live. Here's something: when you try and vacuum up a beehive, and the bees come out and sting the hell out you, that's not called a bee attack. That's just bees being bees. You can't roll yourself in honey, wrestle with a bear cub, then feel indignant and victimized when a bear eats your face off.
This was the second bee attack story on the news yesterday.
Man arrested for setting own million-dollar home on fire
This one also happened within a mile of our house, and is full of gems:
"I had nothing to do with this fire starting," said Marin on July 6, 2009. "I have a conscience as clear as the driven snow, and that will come out," he added.
"As I opened that door, there was this blast of super-heated smoke," said Marin. "I never even saw a fire."Oh, and the reason the fire was suspicious? Marin managed to escape the fire by climbing out his upper story bedroom window using a ladder and scuba gear, both of which happened to be in his bedroom closet.
Scottsdale man wins fight over 'lemon' Lamborghini
How about the horrifying story of what this charming gentleman went through? We need stories like this; stories where Joe Everyman stands up to the soulless auto industry...and wins one for all the common folk.
I keep picturing this guy calling up ABC 15 - "Hi...news? Hold on to your hats. Have I got a story for you..."
I had squeaky brakes for four years on my old '85 Accord. Looking back, I wish I'd whined about it incessantly, or at least sued Honda.