20.8.09

Reasons I Hate Phoenix: Idiots On the Local News

(This is an ongoing series I'm starting. In half my posts, I will detail how horrible the city of Phoenix is. But because my wife gets sad when I show too much displeasure with living here, I'll temper them with an equal amount of posts on why Phoenix is the gem of the Southwest.)

Look: I don't mind it down here. There are worse places to live than Phoenix, Arizona. Dallas, for instance. We've got some friends in Arizona, and some restaurants we like. There's an artisan pizza joint on every corner. And it's always sunny! Hooray!

But then I'll watch the local news, and all the idiocy of this place will come rushing back. Maybe local news is this way everywhere, but it's just...astonishing. They'll interview people on the street about any number of things, and I find myself wondering, "Where did this moron crawl out of?" Here is a collection of three stories on last night's news:

Man tries to vacuum behive, gets attacked

This happened a few blocks from where I live. Here's something: when you try and vacuum up a beehive, and the bees come out and sting the hell out you, that's not called a bee attack. That's just bees being bees. You can't roll yourself in honey, wrestle with a bear cub, then feel indignant and victimized when a bear eats your face off.

This was the second bee attack story on the news yesterday.

Man arrested for setting own million-dollar home on fire

This one also happened within a mile of our house, and is full of gems:
"I had nothing to do with this fire starting," said Marin on July 6, 2009. "I have a conscience as clear as the driven snow, and that will come out," he added.
"As I opened that door, there was this blast of super-heated smoke," said Marin. "I never even saw a fire."
Oh, and the reason the fire was suspicious? Marin managed to escape the fire by climbing out his upper story bedroom window using a ladder and scuba gear, both of which happened to be in his bedroom closet.

Scottsdale man wins fight over 'lemon' Lamborghini

How about the horrifying story of what this charming gentleman went through?
We need stories like this; stories where Joe Everyman stands up to the soulless auto industry...and wins one for all the common folk.



I keep picturing this guy calling up ABC 15 - "Hi...news? Hold on to your hats. Have I got a story for you..."

I had squeaky brakes for four years on my old '85 Accord. Looking back, I wish I'd whined about it incessantly, or at least sued Honda.

16 comments:

  1. A big round of applause for Jordan Green, the Andy Rooney of the emergent church.

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  2. Kind words indeed from Dan Gibson, the OTHER Andy Rooney of the emergent church.

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  3. I'm trying to figure out how this landed in the dislike section - it seems like Christmas every day.

    Kinda like being in a restaurant and watching a sorority girl wipe her nose with the collar of her shirt. It's a little gift, just for you.

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  4. Two things:

    1) Every time I've gotten new brakes, they squeak.

    2) I'm coming down there to give you a hug and a piece of artisan pizza.

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  5. I will say this: the food in Arizona is quite good and generally affordable, including the artisan pizza.

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  6. Also, our recent trip to/from Denver was essentially Statler and Waldorf on the road.

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  7. haha. yes...sounds like a fun place. luckily i only visited and it was years ago. keep the updates going-- they make me laugh. =)

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  8. What the hell is "Artisan Pizza"? Is that like Hungry Howies?

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  9. So what's your problem with Dallas?

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  10. Yeah man... why you hating on Dallas?

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  11. @James: For a while, I traveled around with Don Miller, acting as a sort of de facto road manager (though I was awful at it).

    He spoke at a few dates in Dallas and Waco. Despite the people we met, who were all lovely, that was the only trip where I absolutely couldn't wait until it ended. I was actually excited when we left for Waco.

    Dallas has everything I hate in a city: massive sprawl, empty core, and lack of culture. One of the places we spoke was Deep Ellum, too, which is the "hip" area.

    Granted, I didn't see it all, and I'm likely missing plenty, but I'd rather be in LA and Atlanta any day. If it's any consolation, I've heard Houston is even worse.

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  12. Deep Ellum was hip about 12-15 years ago, when Tripping Daisy and New Bohemians were playing there and drawing crowds to the area's restaurants and such. It's been dead for about 10 years.

    I like Dallas, but live in Arlington, and I love Arlington and Fort Worth. Not like, love. Ft Worth has culture out the ying-yang, but nobody who doesn't live here knows it.

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  13. we weren't in fort worth, so i can totally buy that. I mean, every city has its areas, and I'm guessing I didn't see Dallas's.

    However, a city is more than its hip areas, and what I saw of the rest of Dallas was not impressive in the least.

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  14. Isn't it true that most people grew to hate Dallas, without having been there, once the NFL started calling the Cowboys "America's Team?"

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  15. I think there's some truth to that, yes.

    But also, Dallas just sucks.

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  16. I swear there are so many stupid people here. There is a reason why this place is rated as one of America's dumbest cities every time!

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