Love Thy Scary Neighbour

A typical depiction of neighbo(u)rs.
The first thing that pops into my head when I hear “love thy neighbour” is that one Veggietales song (you know the one where they wear the pots on their heads?), then quickly followed by, “Oh no. Please don’t make me.”

I want to love my neighbours, I really do. But my neighbours are exceptionally scary.

When I come home from work each night, I’m greeted by a line of people smoking on the porch of my apartment building. There is the one who looks like a chubby, aging Rufio (Ruf-i-OOOHH!), one with a stringy mullet and a Maple Leafs coat (I live in Canada), and a lady with an eerily calm dog. They don’t say a word. They don’t smile. They smoke, and they stare. I walk by the group of smokers, and say a quiet, “hello”, and smile. They’re still staring. Rufio gives a slight nod. The dog wags its tail once. Then slowly, ever so gingerly, the man with the stringy mullet switches his cigarette to the other hand, and stretches his empty one out to push the button that opens the automatic door. No sounds. No sudden movements. Just smoking. And staring.

"All grown ups are pirates."
This is an interaction that happens every day, and it never ceases to scare the bajeebas out of me. I’m not normally a timid person. But those guys? Can’t deal with it.

Maybe it’s because I’m quite certain I’ll do something wrong one day and Stringy Mullet is going to whip a hockey stick out of his back pocket, break my kneecaps, then Rufio is going to yell “BANG-A-RANG!” which will trigger a vicious dog attack, and the dog’s yelps will notify the parrot that lives directly below me, and he’ll fly around the building ringing like a telephone, which will alert all of the old men in scooters who will come barrelling out of the front door and drive over my face. MY FACE. SCOOTER TREAD MARKS ON MY FACE. ALL BECAUSE I TRIED TO LOVE TO MY NEIGHBOURS.

I know it’s important to love my neighbours. But what if my neighbour is old Rufio? WHAT THEN?! 


  1. yes. Rufio was my hero. Fave kids movie ever.

  2. 1) What is a "neighbour"?

    2) When my wife and I were dating/engaged, she lived in an apartment complex outside of Columbus, OH. She had some strange neighbors, and she told me about one particular time when she got home from work (it was winter and dark outside when she got home at 5:30PM) and happened to look up at her neighbor's window when she got out of her car. What she saw was her neighbor wearing a Scream mask and staring directly at her.

    She had a hard time "loving" that guy.

    1. I'm pretty sure I would die. Shortly after peeing my pants.

  3. In past years I could have said something about how the hockey stick attack would fail miserably because the Leafs are terrible, but they ruined that joke by making the playoffs this year. Jerks.

    Anyway, maybe you should take to carrying a lacrosse stick with you. Just in case.

    1. That would be worth it just for the joy of explaining the lacrosse stick to everyone wherever she went. TELL THEM ITS A NET FOR CATCHING FAIRIES.