14.5.13

Serious Questions for Female Bodybuilders

The most terrifying way to start off a blog post, ever. I'm so sorry.
Hey ladies. I see you and your big muscles and spray tans. You make me so curious. Mind if I ask you some questions?

I know some people involved in bodybuilding, so I know the basics. But as a woman, I’m just wondering how it affects your daily life. How did you get into bodybuilding? Was it a gradual process, or did you wake up one morning and decide to get ripped? Did your friends and family support you in this endeavour? Did they encourage you at first, and then stop once you started looking scary? Did you read that "fearfully and wonderfully made" verse in the Bible and think, I can do better?

Do you ever crave chocolate? Like especially during that time of the month. Does a piece of chocolate make it better? Do you get cramps, or do you just flex really hard and they go away? Is your uterus more in shape than the average uterus?

You know how when a blowfish gets startled or feels threatened, it blows up and just floats around? If you’re scared, do you immediately start flexing? What if someone accidentally bumps into you? Do you freeze and strike a pose? Is flexing a natural reflex?

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and thought you looked fat? (“Ew, that was when I was 6% body fat. So blubbery.”) Do you compare yourself to the women around you? Do anyone’s veins pop out better than yours?

Do you realize your pretty little head doesn't match your body?
What about clothes shopping? How does THAT work? Can you shop at a regular store, or is there a store for bulky women? Have you ever torn skinny jeans trying to get your calves into them? Would you even attempt to wear skinny jeans, or does the name alone imply that you’re not ripped? Does your spray tan rub off on the clothes? Has a store ever made you purchase an item because you left too much residue behind?

What about your family life? Have you ever bench pressed your husband? Probably not your kids because they’re not heavy enough yet. Did you celebrate “Baby’s First Lunge?” with your child? Is that the kind of thing that happens with the first but not the rest of your kids? When your family members cuddle with you, does it feel like cuddling with a bag of firmly packed brown sugar, or more like pre-cooked hams? Do you eat ham? Does your family help you grease up before competitions? If you go out in the sun after you’ve been greased up, do you start to smell like ham?

If someone could answer any of these questions, I’d be really appreciative.

26 comments:

  1. Right on! I have often wondered about female body builders who take it to the extreme. I am all for being in shape and all that. In fact, I put a lot of effort into it, in between carb binges. It is something altogether different, though, to have a body with such mass proportions of muscle that one's head always looks like it's been photoshopped onto the body of some other grotesquely over-muscled individual.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like your line about precooked hams. I've always imagined that cuddling with them must be like cuddling with those weirdly stiff, in-bag, whole chickens.

    I once went to the Arnold Fitness Expo and I saw a whole family getting spray-tanned/body painted to look like the family in the Incredibles. Parents in their underwear. Little kids in their underwear. It was creepy.
    A man tried to get me to eat supplements as I was pushing a second soft pretzel into my mouth.

    Great article!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Three cheers for soft pretzels!

      Delete
    2. I went to the Arnold Classic this year and left after a few hours. Holy subcultures, Batman. 20,000 meatheads walking the convention floor, each cutting protein-powder farts. Ugh.

      Delete
  3. I once saw a female bodybuilder on TV and didn't realize she was a woman until they introduced her husband. Awkward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder if her husband ever feels less masculine than her?

      Delete
    2. If he does, he probably wouldn't say so as she could crush him. :-o

      Delete
  4. When I see people like that I always want to see if I can find the valve to deflate them so they look human.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You do need to take into account that these women don't look like that everyday. My brother was Mr. Canada a long, long time ago ... There is a whole science on how they prep for competition day. Think of sucking the air out of a bag o potatoes. Same idea. Not to mention the weights lifted seconds before the stage to make those veins pop. I never did find out why that was important in competing ... But don't be too hard on them ... They have a lot more conviction than I do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "sucking air out of a bag o potatoes". Really great image.

      Delete
  6. It's important to ask questions. Especially these questions. I look forward to lengthy and humourless replies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Would you find more humour if I mentioned my conviction to chocolate covered jujubes?

      Delete
    2. I hadn't read any comments, that wasn't directed at your or your reply. And chocolate covered jujubes are definitely addiction-worthy.

      Delete
    3. There are chocolate-covered jujubes? Is this only in Canada?

      Delete
    4. Have you never had a Big Turk, Jordan?

      Delete
    5. I just looked one up. It appears to be disgusting.

      Delete
  7. A girl I grew up with became one! I would ask her all these questions but she's always kind of hated me ever since I stole her BFF when we were 10. I'm nervous about ever running into her because I'm pretty certain she will beat me up badly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just run away. They're not good at cardio.

      Delete
  8. Ah! I was signed in as my teacher self. Amanda, you can call me Katie:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello Amanda! Thank you for expressing your curiosity about us Female Bodybuilders.

    For me it was gradual, my older brother got into body building when I was about 9 and he started getting so much attention! Naturally I was jealous , sibling rivalry kicked in, and look at me now! The center of attention!

    Amanda, it’s endeavor, and it does come from a desire to be perfect.


    What is “that time of the month”? Yes, yes, and yes.


    1)Shake it if ya got it 2) If ya don’t use it ya lose it


    It’s a shame; I’m aware that I am at peak muscular perfection for a female, but damn do I get jealous when I spot a full bodied man piece.

    Thanks to the various sizes of the American people, I can afford to wear all sorts of clothing without risk of tearing my sleeve when I lift up a cup of tea. No one wants to dine with the hulk! Does your spray tan rub off on your clothes? Everyone knows, yes if it is light in color, if it is black it never gets dirty. And with regards to your last question-no, no one would dare.


    I don’t have children; I have small baby weights, like the twenty pounders. My husband, a horse jockey, says I feel like his horse between his legs. I smell like coconut oil and glitter.

    ReplyDelete
  10. so are there enough regular men who are ok with having a bber wife? and are Women Bodybuilders comfortable to marry a man who is not a bodybuilder?

    ReplyDelete