Trees Can Save Themselves

Over the past year and a half, I've become quite the conservationalist. By this, I mean that over the past year and a half I refused to mow my back yard.

I would like to say there was a particular reason behind this decision, but there really wasn't. It was just like many other areas of my life, where I took one look at the mess and thought, "Eh, surely somebody else will clean this crap up." But it never happens.

So this past weekend, with a little help from my father and a wise old man named Ryobi, I finally tackled the backyard, and with it, a brand new and incredibly horrifying truth:

Trees are scary as hell.

I hadn't really ever thought about it before. I mean, much like the critically acclaimed Crash Test Dummies hit "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm", they'd always just been there. It wasn't until I was trying to uproot a few of the young ones that I realized why exactly they were "just" and "there".

A tree is a terribly creepy object who only has one purpose: to grow deeper and deeper into the ground sucking up nutrients so that it can consequently grow taller and taller and blot out the sky. They live just so they can try and take over everything. They're basically the human beings of not being human.

All I had to do was let my backyard run itself for a MODEST year and a half, and it was basically entirely taken over by trees and plants. I can't figure out why people get so worked up about saving the trees. Those stupid things seem to be doing just fine by themselves.

Really, if anything, we should doing more to take the arrogance of trees down a notch. The creeping menace is growing too powerful. First it shoots its roots deep into the heart of our society, then blots out our vision, making us believe that we are somehow killing them all and that we need to do more to help them.

Help them with what? Their plan to dominate the world? Did you know that there are trees who have been around for hundreds and hundreds of years? Big Brother Redwood has been here for so long, constantly shaping the course of human history to whatever dark, demented, deciduous desire it has. His numbers may be dwindling, but that is why his agents have called out to us now: save the trees! Save them, so that our masters may be appeased!

Humanity only has one course of action here: save the trees. Save them, so we may chop them back down and prove again that we are the dominate species, holding the power of life and death in our fleshy palms.

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