13.5.13

We Need a Christian Razzies

Oh hey, Pat Robertson is at it again. Something, something gays-are-like-rapists zzzzzzzzz. I’m sorry. It’s just that there’s only so many times you can get outraged over the same words coming out of this man’s mouth. Obviously, all attempts to correct his erroneous, hateful thinking haven’t worked. Nor have they worked for the numerous other Christians like him, who have become known more for the outrage they inspire, than anything else.

That’s why I propose another idea. Let’s stop lecturing, blogging, and angrily tweeting at them.

Let’s nominate them for awards.
What people like Pat Robertson (and Mark Driscoll, and the Westboro Baptists) really need is not another article lambasting their words or actions. They like that. It makes them feel vindicated. What they need instead, is another approach. One that might serve as a wake-up call. Like the one that Halle Berry got when she was nominated for two Razzie awards for her starring role in the disastrous Catwoman movie. Razzie’s, if you are not familiar, are not good. They’re awards given out for the worst performances, scripts, and movies that horrifically cross our screens every year. Halle, unlike most stars, was a good sport and accepted her awards in person. And since then she has gone nowhere near a project as odious as Catwoman.

That is why I propose our own, Christian version of the Razzies. We will call them the Figgies. Since God hates figs and all.

The purpose of this award, bestowed on the most cringe worthy of Christians walking among us, is not hate. Nobody hates Halle Berry. Not even the people who paid a whopping $12 to see that stinker of a movie. No, we LOVE Halle Berry, which is why we want her to never, ever, do anything like that again. Same goes for the recipients of the awards below. We like them. Love them even. And we just want them to not do anything this stupid again.
  
1. Mark Sanford (and all of his supporters)

Hey, nobody’s perfect. If King David were forced to campaign for the throne back in Bible times, I bet we’d be using the term, “Moon gazing on the roof” as much as “Hiking the Appalachian Trail.” But the big difference between the two (other than the fact Sanford hasn’t murdered anyone) is that King David didn’t ask everyone to just kind of forget about the whole Bathsheba thing. He didn’t run a campaign against Stephen Colbert’s much loved sister either. While it’s certainly good for Christians to forgive, as apparently all of Sanford’s supporters did, that doesn’t mean we have to re-elect the man who used taxpayer dollars on his mistress and then came up with the lamest excuse ever to cover it up.
  
2. Donald Trump

What’s he doing on this list? Since when is Donald Trump a Christian? Apparently, since he’s been invited to speak at the Faith and Freedom Coalition's June gathering, along with these other men, known more their politics than, “fruits.” Trump is a man who has no problem issuing rude, crude, immature, personal verbal attacks on everyone from President Obama to Jon Stewart. He is also the ultimate, literal living example of what the love of money does to your soul. It rots it. He might not have a soul. Donald Trump should get all the Figgies.
 
3. Kim Kardashian

Speaking of love of money. Look, we all know how Kim got famous. But even though all rumors point to her having a hand in this, there’s a chance she never meant to be known for “that” so we will leave this subject alone. According to Kim, who has repeatedly talked about God, one of the qualities she most loved about her ex Kris Humphries was his Christian faith. Kim also attends church and takes part in an L.A. Bible study with other starlets. So if we take her at her word, she’s a Christian. One who has made no attempt to comment on how her current situation affects her faith. The situation which has her seven months pregnant with the baby of her boyfriend she started dating while finalizing the divorce from her (second) husband, who she was married to for 72 days. Oof. This isn’t an issue of slut shaming, it’s an issue of being (Lord help us) a “role model” for young girls. Girls who might think that it’s totally OK to want to grow up to be just like Kim – a Christian who sees nothing wrong with the choices she’s made in the last year. I’m not an advocate for the harmful “purity” indoctrination, but I do think there’s a major disconnect between living a life that’s “set apart,” and willingly having Kanye West’s love child.

4. Justin Beiber

Yo dude, we get it. You’re young. You have waaaay too much money. You have permanent hearing loss from all the shrieking. But maybe, if you’re going to go around making death threats and drinking Sizzurp, you shouldn’t be so public about your faith? Because from my reading of the Bible, it says we’re supposed to love our neighbors. Not spit on them after almost running them over with your Ferrari.

5. Rob Bell

This was hard for me. I love Rob Bell. I own all of his books. I’ve written articles defending him, and pointing out how unbalanced the attacks against him and his theology are, especially from people who should know better. This award, in fact, has nothing to do with any of his books, teaching, or theology. It instead has to do with him quitting preaching to move to Hollywood so he could pitch a show about his life called The Rob Bell Show. COME ON. No, no, no, no, no, no. You are way too wise for that Rob. Stay away from Hollywood. It’s filled with the people above. We don’t want to see you at a Bible study with Kim Kardashian. And so help me if you show up on E!. I might have to lightly singe a corner of one of your books on a scented candle, while crying.

Honorable mentions:

Tim Lambesis –Hiring a cop to murder your ex-wife is bad
Mark Driscoll – Too easy
Chuck Norris – Using fame to encourage people to violate the separation of church and state is not something Walker, Texas Ranger would support.

No comments:

Post a Comment