19.8.13

How to Write a "How To" Column For a Men's Magazine

Living in your parent's basement saves money in a flat economy. That's good for your wallet but brutal on you dating life. Our column "How to Drop Your Rent" scored you a cot in the laundry room. Now, let "How to Make Money Writing a Column For a Men's Magazine" bring in the money you need to get the apartment you deserve.


1. Pick a topic.
You need a topic capable of transforming men's lives everywhere. Men want to practical wisdom to fill the void left by their absent or drunk fathers growing up.The big advice already went to print: How to tie a tie, medal at the Olympics, build a killer tree house that will improve your property value, seduce any woman with rib-eye steak and a banjo, and how to build two man origami canoe-- they've all been taken. But fear not, feral one! There's one or two subjects we haven't covered yet. In fact, we'll spot you the following topic for free: "How to tell if its time to wash your favorite pair of jeans."

2. Set the stakes.
Your next sentence needs to communicate why this skill must be mastered. Choose from one of three guy motivations: 1) Making or saving money; 2) Impressing friends; 3) Impressing the girl and improving your odds of getting laid.

Sell your jeans topic with a tag like l, "Have more dollars for beer by prolong your washing machine's life with less laundry"or "You lock eyes with the hot brunette at the park. Things seem promising, until she notices the mural of mustard and ketchup stains splattered on the crotch of your jeans from that time you were playing ultimate frisbee too close to the picnic table last fourth of July. Here's how to avoid future embarrassment." It's that easy. One pithy sentence gives your column gravitas, which is the holy grail of writing for men.

3. Break it into three or four steps. 
Men are busy doing important male things, like mowing the lawn, working out, watching UFC fights, playing fantasy football, or building canoes out of paper. If they get the sense mastering your man skill takes more time than takes to grab a bag of chips during an Official's Time Out on Sunday afternoon, they'll turn the page to discover what the Unattainable-Bikini-Clad-Super-Model-of-the-Month looks for on a first date.

In our example, we can break the complex task of assessing the need to launder ones jeans into three easy steps:


  •  Hold the jeans about a foot away from your nose and inhale. An arm's length won't allow you to
    catch a whiff, but a foul pair of jeans within 12-inches of your olfactory center could induce nausea.If you do smell staleness, ask yourself "Can my Axe Cologne mask the smell?" 
  • Can your jeans walk on their own? If your jeans don't need a mannequin to stand up, it's time to run a load of wash. 
  • Can your jeans stow away in someone else's wash? It's always right to wash your clothes for free. If you can manage to drop your jeans into a supermodel's load of dark clothes at the laundry mat, go for it. If you get caught, calmly introduce yourself and explain you're a writer. Chicks dig writers. 
It really is that simple. Write. Make Money. Meet the super model. Get at it, boys.

It's great being a dude.  




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