28.8.13

The Great Californian Exodus (According to CBN)

A friend of mine was watching late night CBN recently, possibly while drunk, and stumbled across this withering report on the Great Exodus to Texas. But why are Californians leaving? Is it because California's economy is too awesome? Is the weather too balmy and consistent? Not enough tornadoes?CBN is determined to find out.


But first, we should probably make sure the exodus is actually happening. What have we got for evidence? First, the reporter mentions the 3.5 million Californians who've left the state in the last 30 years, but fails to mention the state's overall population increased by 13 million people, and at a higher rate than Texas. But who cares about statistics when you've got eyewitness reports from one lady who recently drove to Arizona?
"We saw one van coming into California, and we saw probably a half a dozen vans moving out."
The reason for this alleged sea change is California's obsession with controlling everything their populace does. The state introduces 2,000 new laws a year, which clearly means something very, very bad. Don't believe California's a nanny state? CBN has more evidence of the anecdotal variety, this time from Linda Freeman, who moved to Texas from "outside San Francisco" after originally moving to California from Texas. SHE WAS JUDGED.
"If you use plastic bags, [Californians] are gonna call the authorities. If you buy pure-bred dogs, they're gonna call the authorities. If you, you know, give your children gluten and milk, they're gonna call the authorities. These are your neighbors!"
Admittedly, one can only deal with so many authorities, especially when those authorities are enforcing completely made up laws and are also made up themselves. According to Freemen, Muslims and Buddhists are celebrated while Christians are booed, which may come as a surprise to the 69% of Californians who claim some component of Christianity.

Another woman, a "pro-family lobbyist", had the courage to expose one of California's most horrifying government entities: Child Protective Services.
"They're a very nanny state mentality. If you're not raising your children according to the way we believe you should be, then we'll take your children from you."
So, just to recap, if you give your kids gluten, the authorities will be called, and the authorities will take your children away and you will never see them again and you just know someone's gonna stamp them with the mark of the beast, and then it's game over, man.

The hysteria goes on from there, but Pat Robertson wants to be clear this piece was not paid for by the "Texas Chamber of Commerce".

Are people moving from California to Texas? Sure. In fact, here are some actual numbers to back up that claim up. Texas, after all, is a giant, lovely state full of people who constantly talk about how great Texas is. If you'd like to know why people are moving to Texas, read actual news  that details prevailing factors. One major part of the equation is housing prices, which are absurdly low in Texas because you can just build a shitty McMansion wherever you want and never worry about running out of land, or running into cool things like mountains and oceans and whatnot.

But look, isn't that video just completely convoluted and myopic? It's stupid, is what it is. If Linda Freeman and her ilk are such dishonest morons, maybe Californians should chip in on moving costs.

2 comments:

  1. Another nanny law we created last year: porn stars have to wear condoms.

    Our Mexican food beats the shit out of that Tex-Mex nonsense.

    We've got mountains, sequoias, painted deserts, vineyards, and an ocean (a real one). I'm staying.

    Finally, mad props to an Oregonian for defending Cali, something you almost never see.

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  2. The shit that Californian Mexican food beats out of Tex-Mex is Californian Mexican food.

    Mountains?Check. Sequoias? WTF is that and who cares? Painted deserts? Sounds like a hippie acid trip. Vineyards? We got those too but do I feel special because of them? No. Hell, I can make wine from my plum tree in the backyard. Does a real ocean have water and sea life?

    Also, in Texas you can have your very own oil rig. Mine sits next to the plum tree in the backyard of my McMansion.

    Did I mention Johnny Football? Come On!!

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